This article and its ideas were a collaborative effort by co-op and NCG staff including Sam McCormick, Morgan Organ, A-K Gloe-Thordin, Edmond Manning and Gabrielle Davis.
Providing thoughtful and/or direct responses when transgender, nonbinary or gender-expansive individuals are misgendered or deadnamed is crucial for fostering an inclusive and affirming environment.
Misgendering, the act of using incorrect pronouns or addressing someone by the wrong gender, and deadnaming, referring to an individual by the name given to them at birth rather than their chosen name, can be emotionally distressing and invalidating for transgender, nonbinary and gender-expansive folks. Responding to such instances not only reinforces the importance of acknowledging and respecting a person’s gender identity but also educates those around them about the significance of using correct names and pronouns. It contributes to the creation of a supportive atmosphere where individuals feel seen, valued and accepted for who they are.
This article and some of its examples trace their roots back to convenings of LGBTQIA+ cooperators attending affinity groups offered during NCG conferences in 2023. Queer NCG staff members that attended heard and shared frustrations from the transgender, nonbinary, genderfluid, genderqueer community among our co-op staff. Subsequently, a “queerlaborative” (see what we did there?) group was developed, driven by a fervent desire to provide support to frontline workers at co-ops. This group included both queer NCG and co-op employees.
By actively engaging in these conversations, we contribute to dismantling harmful stereotypes, promoting empathy, and working toward a society that embraces inclusion and honors the autonomy of every individual’s gender identity.
The following responses to being misgendered and/or deadnamed were generated to help front line workers find phrasing that fits their style and help them see that there are levels of assertive responses, so they can find one that fits the moment.
Friendly responses to deadnaming or lack of acknowledgment
“How sweet of you to remember my old name. I go by DeAndre now.”
“Thank you for acknowledging me. It is so important to be seen. My name now is Angela, which may be unfamiliar to you. I love my name now, Angela.” (Say the name twice so they get a chance to remember.)
“I appreciate you’re trying to get to know me. I am Xavier, no longer Allison. Xavier. Thank you. What about you? What name would you like me to address you by?”
“My pronoun is he, not her. Thank you for noticing and wondering aloud. It is he. Now you won’t have to wonder anymore, and you’ll feel confident when you speak to me.”
“I’m sure you mean well, addressing me as she. I know you also don’t want to be embarrassed, so I’m just going to interrupt you right now and let you know I am he. Actually, I’m me.”
Slightly more assertive responses to deadnaming or lack of acknowledgment
“Oh my, this is the fourth time you’ve addressed me as ‘her’ instead of ‘him.’”
“Francine, how good to see you! Oh, your name isn’t Francine? Well, isn’t this good timing? My name is Marissa, not Mark. Now that we have had a chance to learn from each other, we can both address each other correctly in the future.”
“Thank you for respecting me enough to address me directly. You’d be surprised how many people do not. My pronouns are he and him, not she or her. Thank you.”
“As a convenience to our co-op members, we wear our pronouns on our name badge. So, if you’re ever thinking, ‘How do I address this person?’ Look right here.”
Resource available on Co+op U
As an additional resource, we invite you to log into Co+op U to watch “Amplifying Trans Aliveness — Supporting Genderqueer Staff & Customers,” a recording of an interactive discussion led by guest speaker Nish Newton.
